The New Vacation Car Game: Spot The Botox

You know your days of car bingo are over when you are out to dinner, on vacation, and your 11 yr old daughter says "Mom, turn around, the lady in the red, behind you, has had massive botox."

The Boy said "What are you talking about?"

The Grrl proceeded to put her hands on either side of her face and pulled back her already taut and perfect skin to demonstrate. However, there is no before and after when an 11 yr old pulls her face skin back----it's more like a bad Miley Cyrus-I'm-pretending-to-be-asian moment.

So I took a look at the lady in red, out with her married sons/daughters and the Grrl was right. And there was something going on with her lips too. Not massive like Lisa Rinna (who I have the total scoop on through her make-up artist) and not slightly plumped-up like Nicole Kidman either. I think her mouth was pulled wide due to botox in the wrinkles at the sides of your mouth.

I told the Grrl not to stare and she said "Whaaat? I just glanced!!"

I decided the woman looked like a cross between Dina Merrill and Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Then I had a midwest matchy-matchy flashback moment.

Not only was her top red, but also her watch band and blazer (on the back of the chair). I had to check out the shoes. I pretended to drop something on the floor (lame I know, but the tables were really close together) and the ankle boots were in the red/burgundy family. I knew I'd be really going too far if I tried to confirm if the belt was red too.

When I was in middle school/high school, in the SW corner of WI, I matched my socks to my belt and my hair accessory. And my watchband.

It's more of the wackness.

The midwest kind.

Like A Dog With A (brow) Bone

Here is an artistic take on the First Lady.....and of course the brows that jumped over the moon.

Is That Really Your Neck Exploding Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

New York Times editor flunks association test when calling the following images a 'Celebration of the Chin':

oh yeah, I'm celebrating....

What do you think?

I think there's a bit of a masochistic vibe going on here.

Or a sprinkle of misogyny?

Or something "m"?

Like hot mess?

Clothing The Cougars

Maybe I've been watching too many episodes of "The Real Housewives" lately and I'm seeing things through breast implanted glasses.....but as I cruised through Nordstrom's the other day, (on my way to Aveda) I looked over the women's spring clothing options and decided that it was all cougar clothing.

JennaVickyGretchenLauri-ish babydoll tops abound, paired with jeans, over-sized and over-priced ($400) bags, and bug-eyed sunglasses. The only things missing were the stripper platform sandals. Short jackets with youthful (sez the Nordstrom buyer to his/her boss) styling that your daughters would say are lame, but a cougar would call fun.

Browsing the sale shoe racks (for The Grrrl, not me) I see the Coach high-top sneakers that she wanted this past winter. The sale price: $87. Reduced from $150. Really? $100 (with our 10% sales tax) for brown, fluffy, fake fur-lined high-tops to wear in the spring and summer?

Recession my ass.

Don't even get me started on how food producers have maintained or raised prices and shrunk their products....

I can now hold 2 "large" containers of Moose Tracks ice cream in 1 hand.

I wonder how many containers of the new Moose Tracks ice cream would fit into a cougar top?

Pissed @ Purse + Bitchin re: Bag*

I'm having purse problems.

My bags are either too big or too small.

Too much structure, or not enough.

Too casual for work; too serious for My Other Life.

Not in season - I have to wait until spring.

This vexes me. I'm very vexed.**

They fall off my shoulder in the winter-of-bulky-coats and dangle like a knotted-up tether ball.

The slouches pool on the floor in my office and I run over them.

The stiff soldiers topple over in my front passenger seat and deposit their contents between the seat and the door and under the seat, never to be retrieved.

The little guys don't accommodate my current wallet + sunglasses.

The big guys look like Pamela Anderson's chest after the implants are removed. I don't have enough big stuff to stuff in there. I don't carry my make-up drawer around with me in my purse. (see above for the lone lipstick that is lost under the passenger-side seat). My wallet isn't bulging with the kids' last report cards and coupons for the nearest waterpark.

I'm a purse and wallet minimalist. Just the bare essentials. If I had the guts to dress like Fran Lebowitz, problem solved. Man-up.

I'm waiting to break out the baby-blue perfect-size bag.

Spring will have sprung and I won't be pissed anymore.


* Twitterized for the hip ones
** Big points for knowing this worst of the worst quote from a movie